Bust A Move

In just over 60 days, I will run walk complete the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure here in St. Louis.  I am terrified exhilarated by the very thought.  It means that tomorrow starts the training for real.  The no holds barred, I have to do this darn thing TRAINING.

This has to mean pushing myself like NEVER before!  I am so thankful for the support system that I have both online and off.  You all are truly amazing.  This is going to be the HARDEST thing that I have ever done and I will need you to support me, push me, and remind me of why I am doing this. 

I have recently gotten really good at preparing blogs in advance and setting them to post, so I hope to be able to keep that up and then just replace them with up to the minute stuff when I really need to.  At least for the next couple of months, my focus has to shift to get me through this race. 

I wish you guys could all be here to run with me and cheer me on.  Tomorrow begins day one!

What DO You Want?

What do you want?  What do you really want?  Out of your journey, out of your life?  What do you want to be?  What do you want to accomplish?

What if I told you that you can have it all?  You can! 

But, first...you have to cross this river, walk through the woods with wet, sandy shoes (maybe even, a rock or two got in there), climb a mountain in the rain, and camp out, wet beneath the stars.

What...you don't want it now?  Why?  Is it too hard?

It's funny, how these questions popped into my head.  I was perusing Facebook bright and early and some guy I went to high school with, whom I never talked to even then, and definitely don't talk to now had updated his status to say "Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone"

Everytime, I read it...I want to do a double take, the sky lights up, a choir sings.  I mean, isn't that just the TRUTH.  Right there in black and white.  So simple, but so difficult to execute.

Maybe...I didn't want it bad enough.  Maybe I forgot I could swim, didn't take the time to wash the sand from my shoes and remove the rocks.  Maybe I didn't realize that I could seek shelter from the rain under the trees of the mountain or forgot that I can pack a lighter and dry myself next to a campfire, under a sky FULL of amazing stars.

Maybe...just maybe, I forgot to prepare myself for the journey because I was too busy worrying about how difficult it was going to be.

Non Scale Victories: A Listing (So far)

1.  I can walk 10,000 or more steps in a day.
2.  I completed my 1st treadmill 5K.
3.  I shaved 2 minutes of my mile time.
4.  I can run for 1 minute and 30 seconds
5.  I can take care of basic cleansing of myself without pulling a muscle (sad, but true)
6.  I can carry my 3 year old down a flight of steps without fearing for either of our safety.
7.  I can take the steps (up and down) (Even though I only choose to do so about 50% of the time)
8   I can do 360 crunches in one sitting (straight, left oblique, and right oblique 120 each)
9.  I can throw a FANTASTIC punch (Thank you, heavy bag)
10. I am less afraid to try new things.
11. My clothes fit better
12. I can button my pants without struggling or laying on the bed, sucking everything in, grabbing the zipper with a wire hanger and screaming please, please, please.

13. I have worn makeup everyday for over two weeks after wearing none for over 10 years.

14. I am writing this blog almost daily
15. Most importantly, I am a better mother, wife, and friend.
16. I am no longer ashamed of who I am.


What are your non scale victories?

Beautiful People

So...I have been kicking around this idea for a while and I have decided that my lovely little piece of the literary world is going to RIP OFF the biggest magazine ever...People.  By RIP OFF, I, of course mean...pay homage.

People's 50 Most Beautiful People issue is one of the highest selling for the brand.  Why?  Because we are obsessed with beauty.  Even those some of us who stand on a soapbox and say that subscribing to the world, media, or even Hollywood's idea of what is beautiful is a slippery slope...all have to stop and admit that we all have some idea or standard of beauty that we all want to fit into. 

I know that I have always wanted to be or have someone else think I was beautiful enough to say it aloud...in a physical sense that is. 

But beyond that...I do believe that physical beauty fades and that inner beauty shines.  The inner beauty is what we remember most.   The kindness, the love, the laughter...   I want to honor that here.  So...I will be starting a series on Beautiful People that affect my life.  To honor them, to introduce my support system to you, and to acknowledge true beauty when I see it.

I want to add (to avoid any conversations about this later) that I have to pick someone to be first.  That does not mean that I think they are more beautiful or mean more to me than others.  (The fragile ego of family and friends)! 

A Loss...luckily

I am a scale nut.  I am on the scale 3 or more times a day.  I know what some of you think about that...I love you, but I don't care.  : )
I weighed in this morning 280.2.  .4 less than last week, but up 1.2 from the lowest numbers I have seen this week.  A loss is a loss is a loss is a loss. 

Truth is...I just did not have the fire in my belly for it this week.  That's a horrible thing to say, but it's true.  I can't figure out how to destroy the voice in my head that sees a 4.2 loss, like last week and doesn't already start jumping ahead to like June or July and say things like, "Well, at this rate I could be 240 or less by then."  The part of me that looks past the 6 months it took me to get here and expects that because it is FINALLY clicking with me, I should be on the fast track.  That is how we get lost on this journey.  The expectation gets the better of us, the train loses steam, and we start jumping ahead.  I know for me, getting started on this journey was delayed time and time again because it felt like such an insurmountable feat.  I took the first step, and then the second and I am now nearly 30 lbs down.  I had twists and turns in the road that led me astray for a bit, but I stayed on the path and I am having success.  Why in the world am I adding the pressure to it? I am pressured enough by outside forces, work, being a mom.  

This past week, I didn't work out like I should, I had a horrible food day that was under calories, but included no food that was healthy fuel for my body.  Then I had another bad food day on Friday, followed by being sick yesterday which left me sleeping majority of the day and eating poorly. 

Yes, I have a loss this week, but I feel like I didn't earn it.  This week will be different.  I will earn it, whether it's .4lbs or 4 lbs.  I will earn it and I will own it.

Decisions, Decisions

By now it's obvious...I was targeted by a blog troll.  It hit with a bang, then went back into hiding under the bridge of anonymity.  It shook me...

FOR LIKE A MINUTE.  You can't derail this train, baby...it's full steam, all the time.

Had to go to comment moderation though, that stinks!  It stinks, but it's worth it to stop kids and people with basic moral conviction from having to read such horrible drivel.

I thought about it long and hard and I have decided to post a cleaned up version of the comment, just so that we can dissect it here and explain why they have definitely got the wrong person.

Here it goes:

First time reader and I must say that I am impressed with all the hard work you have done. (see how it starts off all complimentary) By saying hard work I mean all the hours you must spending sweating your fat ass off in front of the computer eating Bon bons. (I had to ask a friend what a bon bon actually is, because apparently...I eat them all the time and still don't know, anyway turns out...she didn't know either, another friend was pretty sure that they were chocolate covered ice cream balls...We agreed that the only thing we knew that was similar were Dibs, which must be the trashy version of bon bons.  I purchased them once, 2 years ago...they were freezer burnt***grammar note***what does "you must spending sweating" mean?) I have a few questions about your journey if you could please humor me... 1) how many pilatesballs have you popped during your journey? (Unfortunately, the answer is none.  Pilates balls are guaranteed not to burst, so if they did,  I would be rich.  Clearly I'm not...wishful thinking though) 2) how many stocks should I purchase at Hardees because you put the thick burger on the map. ***grammar note*** How much stock should I purchase.***  How many stocks you purchase is completely up to you, but I would start with one because your intelligence rifle is clearly dismantled and probably broken (I ate a Thickburger once...they are gross.  I hate Hardees...did you know that Hardees goes by different names across the country on the west coast they are called Carl's Jr.  does this confirm that you are local and Midwest...I believe it's plausible 3) you meat skirt ***content removed***makes me want to vomit. How many other people have you made puke. There is no way it can just be. (great...it makes me sick too, that's why I am trying to lose it.  You can find a disposable bag next to your tray table) 4) When will your fat ass stop typing and get your stomach stapled? (NEVER, starting to wonder if by "First time reader" you meant this is the first time you have ever read)Thanks for the good laughs but I have to go puke again (Laughing and puking at the same time. That takes talent.  I hope you don't choke.)after looking at that picture of you in that flower pattern shower curtain!! (You're no Tim Gunn)

This is a blip on the radar screen and this comment deserves no more of my time and effort.  Thank you Anonymous...Thank you for your comment...it convinced me to do 20 extra crunches today. 

The point is, my loyal lovelies...this is an example of the ignorance that is bred in the world everyday about who we are as people  BECAUSE we are overweight, but it does not define us.  The person they describe is not me, it's some caricature of who they want me to be to make it easier to laugh at me, to make me less than human.  To belittle my accomplishments. 

I AM WONDERFULLY MADE...or did you miss that post too? : )

Help Me Fellow Bloggers

Anyone who read the nasty comments left on my blog yesterday...is this what you all have been dealing with making everyone go private?  Concerned because I noticed through traffic sources tab that I was searched specifically by name on Google.  More than a little concerned that the mad commenter is someone I know.  I am not worried about some stupid stuff that someone says that couldn't be further from the truth, but I have had to go to moderating comments...sorry, folks, but my nephews and family read this blog!  Glad that Google tracks traffic sources though....may come in handy.

100 Crunches and The Meat Skirt

I did it!  Last night, I...little old me, did 100 crunches.  I am amazed by me, which if I can floor me...it MUST be good stuff...lol! 

I think I have decided to keep pushing on the crunches.  It doesn't start to feel like work until about 70 now, so..I think that means I can push it.  If I am without pants ("pantless?", if you will) my shirt is no longer that hat that sits upon my upper abdomen accentuating what I affectionately refer to as "the meat skirt". 

Ah...the meat skirt.  Some people cringe at the mere mention of it.  Some laugh.  Others look at me uncomfortable glances...not sure what to say next.  I do not actually remember what made me start referring to my abdomen as the meat skirt, but truthfully I remember the day that nothing could sit on my lap because my stomach SAT on my lap.  The good news is that I have always said that it was church length on it's way to a mini...It's FINALLY getting there!  LOL...my first mini skirt ; \

On the Komen Front!  My friend Amy has finally decided on a name for the Komen team.  It's....THE BREAST TEAM EVER!!!!  I love it!  More to come on that front, but if you wish to join us, keep track of us (don't get all BIG BROTHERY..lol), or support us.... you can like us on Facebook.

Proper Planning, Doing The Right Thing, and Elizabeth Taylor

It is no secret that I do better with food on days that I plan and prepare my own foods, but now and again...I dare to live dangerously, consider my options, go out into the world of much choice and selection and make all the wrong decisions.

I am a fastidious food packer.  I pack a breakfast, lunch and two snacks for my work day.  I normally bring a breakfast of Sandwich Thin w/2 teaspoons of PB or a Bagel Thin w/half a mini cream cheese and a Yogurt.  My morning snack of string cheese and small bag of petite carrots. Lunch consisting of Chicken Breast sandwich, grapes, Sugar Free Jell-o, 100 calorie pack of some type. Afternoon fruity snack or Sugar Free Pudding.  I walk away from a work day and say I have eaten roughly 700-800 calories, leaving me plenty for dinner.  I can usually end an entire day under 1300 calories EASY!

I fell asleep early last night and woke up late, so this morning I walked out the door unprepared for the day.  For breakfast I had 2 scrambled eggs on a Sandwich Thin w/1 strip of bacon (296) calories.  Lunch 6in Meatball Sub on wheat w /Mozzarella cheese from Subway and 1/4th bag of baked lays (595 calories), and for Dinner the cherry on top of Mt. Eat Crappola was a Grilled Cheese Sandwich w/bacon, fries, and a twist cone (852 calories). So, the good news...I am still under my sliding scale of 1500-1800 (barely) and the BAD NEWS I ate nary a veggie or fruit all day.  Nothing healthy fueled this body...all junk, junk, junk.  Calories be damned...I totally short changed myself on all fronts.  Dietary fail.  My worst in a LONG time.

Enough bellyaching bout that (and I am seriously in gastric-intestinal distress)....how do I combat it?  I have already made my lunch for tomorrow.  There will be NO ROUND 2.

So, total pop culture faux pas today...(which is totally unlike me accept for the time I confused Kim Richards with Kim Fields *right Scott?)  In learning of the passing of Elizabeth Taylor, I, in error, gave her credit for Millie Perkins role in 1959's The Diary of Anne Frank.  ( Liz...I am sure you would have been wonderful as well).  I may have even said that her portrayal brought Anne Frank to life for me (may have said?  I may as well have yelled it from the rooftops via Twitter**idiot**)  Instead I now have to admit that while I have seen plenty of films starring Ms. Taylor, my only thought provoking references are of her and Michael Jackson and of course, White Diamonds. (well, the SNL White Diamonds parody commercial**Von Ryan...these have always brought me luck**)  Disappointing for us both, I'm sure.

Good Day, Sunshine!

I wasn't kidding about the Flip Flop of this journey!  Shortly after posting last night I made myself some scrambled eggs, took some ibuprofen, and fell asleep.  I awoke at the crack, like always 3:45am and prepared for work feeling renewed and 1000 times better. (Didn't even Neti this morning).

I packed my breakfast and my lunch and off to work I went. Boring, Boring, Boring, laughing, laughing, laughing, trying to stop myself from choking co-worker, Boring, Boring, Boring.  (Now you're informed of what it is like to work in the insurance industry). 

My friend,  Amy, is running a half marathon in a few weeks and she ran 9 miles yesterday.  I am completely in awe and I have no desire to do this at the same time! (lol)  I have been keeping up somewhat with my training for the Komen...I just really feel like I bit more off than I can chew. I can't even run a solid quarter mile straight.  I am not giving up, but I am partially resolving within myself that I may have to walk it.  Even thinking it feels like a failure on my part, but I have to get out of that frame of mind.  Either way, I am doing something that I would have never done before and training for it has taken me to places and accomplishments I may have never seen otherwise.  I will continue to push for it!

Tonight when I came home from work, hungry kids had to wait.  I did 15 minutes on the treadmill at 3.0, upper body building, and then the crunch challenge, which I abandoned yesterday and picked back up at 90 crunches today!  Today was the last of a few beautiful days for awhile...it seems that winter is supposed to be rearing it's ugly head this week and part of next.

From here on out, I want to try to keep my eye on the prize.  This last week showed me what is really possible for me and while I know it is unrealistic to expect that dramatic of a loss every week, it should not stop me from trying for it!

Flip and Flop

That is what this journey is like...Bad Days.  Good Days. Bad Days. Good Days

Today is a BAD DAY.

I feel sick, like I have a sinus thing coming on.  I started hitting the Neti Pot first thing this morning.  As the day progressed, throat got sore, feeling achy...NOOOOOOOO!  This leads to being generally disagreeable and the feeling that I need to be taken care of, but there is no one to take care of me. 

Hubster is wallowing about not really working over the last few days.  Sat at home all day while I worked, well except for the portion of the day he spent at the farm and home store, looking at and dreaming about chickens.  I'm sure he watched a lot of TV, didn't consider doing the dishes, didn't do any laundry, didn't think about what was for dinner.  I picked up both of the kids, came home to the clammering about what are we gonna eat.

I love my hubs...I really do, and it's probably not fair that I am being hard on him right now, but part of being a team is picking up the slack when the other is down, right?!

 Autumn decided she wanted an orange, a bag of carrots (petite), a cheese stick, and about 5 Ritz crackers, but Erica wanted a beef hot dog, cheese stick, and crackers.  All I can smell now is that darn hot dog.  At 400 calories with the bun...it is sooo not worth it and the way I feel right now...one is not going to cut it.  I will ultimately eat the RIGHT thing.  This is too important.  I do not know if I can muster the strength to exercise today, though.  I need to so badly, my body needs me to be active.  I was sooo lazy this weekend.  I took two rest days in a row (aside from my crunches). 

Thanks for the vent!  Keep me in your thoughts and prayers tonight...I really need it!

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

 

What in the world could these two girls possibly be smiling about? 

Today they got their

ears pierced and boy were they super excited!  We had an enjoyable day.  Went out for breakfast at IHOP.  Nice that they have quite a few "Simply Fit" meals.  Mine was 400 calories (scrambled egg beaters, turkey bacon and pancakes). Hubby hit a curb and oil spewed out from underneath the car, but luckily, it was just the oil filter and it was easily remedied!  I will tell you that we had a horrible experience with Jiffy Lube in Gravois Bluffs (Fenton, MO).  Jim walked over and asked if he could purchase an oil filter for the car and they refused, unless he paid full price (over $30.00) for an oil change.  He, of course, refused and then they gave him a false number for the manager twice.  JERKS!  We will be lodging a complaint and will NEVER have our oil changed there as a result!  They would have rather gouged a stranded customer than help!

I got home and watched 500 Days of Summer with the hubster.  Stupid aggravating movie, but the dude from Third Rock From The Sun (Joseph Gordon Levitt, I believe) was REALLY good in it. I made a dinner of Turkey Kielbasa, Sauerkraut, Brussel Sprouts, and Roasted Chicken Rice (388 calories).  It was okay..not a big fan of Turkey Dinner Sausage, kind of tastes like rubber!  Oh well, live and learn.  I was feeling so good that I decided to try the dress on again.  This time...I am smiling, but still not as big as I thought I was....What the heck?!  Oh well, I guess it 's another work in progress!

Coming A Long Weigh

That's right folks!  280.6.  That is a 4.2lb loss this week!  Yesterday the scale flirted with 279, but I ate pork steak for dinner and I think I am retaining water from it!  I updated my ticker at 279.4 yesterday and I am just going to leave it, either way...I lost an amazing amount of weight this week and I am 2.6lbs away from 30lbs lost since September, with 16 of those pounds being since 2/11/2011. My youngest daughter weighs 28lbs.  I have officially lost a small human! That is both scary and exhilerating!

February 11, is when I bought my fitbit.  A purchase that I do not regret in anyway shape or form.  Tracking everything in detail has helped me really understand MY body and what I have to do to lose weight.  I can not only feel when I have put in the work...I can see it.  I can also see what happens when I phone it in. 

I am looking forward to light grocery shopping, continuing my spring cleaning, and updating my dress photos, today. I am throwing around losing the shrug, but my arms are a point of self conciousness for me. Perhaps, I will trade it in for a smaller size. Looking at in in the other pic, I think I went large because it felt normal to get one that size. Anwho...

The crunch challenege is kicking my butt right now.  I am up to 80. (straight, left oblique, and right oblique)  Tomorrow I bump it to 90.  I am supposed to add 10 every other day until April 10th which is my anniversary, but I have been rethinking it a bit.  If I keep it up at this pace, by the end...I am doing a total of nearly 600 crunches a day.  It's an amazing thought, but is it too much? I've been considering once I get to 100 staying there for a week and then the next week bumping it up 20.  What do you guys think?

"Insert Creative Title Here"

Tomorrow is weigh in day.  I am looking forward to it.  I have rarely ever said that.  I think the difference is that I KNOW I have put in the work.  My food has been spot on.  I have been working out everyday.  I took a rest day on Wednesday, but even on my rest day, I still kept up with my crunch challenge. 

Today...I bump it up to 80. 

That's a total of 240 crunches a day!

That's a lot of crunches.  I bought a small pilates ball, I have found that wedging it in the small of my back and extending from there allows me to get the extension I need without the strain and potential for injury.

I have been trying to write this post for the last two hours.  LOL.  It probably doesn't help that I have also been watching Marley & Me, which I have never seen before. So, it's hard to think of something to say, cry a little but, and realize that I have truly wasted a lot of my life being lazy.

All week I have had this feeling that I truly have not taken advantage of everything that has been available to me.  Watching the situation in Japan unfold and the suffering that is occurring there has really brought my attention to the fragility of life. My prayers continue to be for the people of Japan as I continue to watch images of people searching for loved ones. Watching them fight for their own lives made me realize that I would be in no condition to ensure my own survival in a similar situation, let alone that of my family.  I am in better shape than I was 6 months ago, but I still have a LOOOONG way to go! 

Success in this endeavor has eluded me for some time, so I am pleased to see things moving in the right direction and I am proud of my accomplishments. I actually worked out twice yesterday which is a crazy thought.  I did 30 minutes on the recumbent bike (program 6 of 8) which was a tough 30 minutes then I went on a mile walk with the family, followed by my crunches.  I have to admit that I am SORE today, but workouts continue : p. 

I tried on the dress again yesterday and there is already a difference. 

This is gonna work, right?!

Fantabulosity

Yes, that is the word I would use to describe this beautiful day in Missouri. Nearly 77 degrees, sunny, and gorgeous. A good day to be alive and I am thankful. My family is in good health. I am LOSING weight! (Sneaks peek at the scale!)

The day was beautiful and I did not want to waste a minute. My 6 year old and I went to the track at the high school. (Those of you who told me running outdoors was easier than the treadmill....you tell horrible, horrible lies) It was rough...the track was rocky, muddy, and really hard on my calves. I couldn't run more than half a straight in those conditions. I did a mile in 23:45 which would make a 5K still near my original 75 minute time. OH WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO! LOL.

My other challenges are still coming along and I am excited to be FEELING the results. Results like being able to stand up from a seated position without bracing myself or using my arms to push myself up. Like going up two flights of stairs without being completely out of breath. You know what...how about like going up stairs at all.

I am so excited about how things are going and I am so thankful for all of your support and all of the bloggers sharing your stories and keeping me motivated. You're the bloggiest!

Poster Child

Everyone has seen the poster of the "Hang in There" kitten, right? I think it is pretty synonymous with grade school and the Scholastic Books order form. I'm pretty ancient these days and I actually think my book order form came in my Weekly Reader. (Do schools still use those?) I went to a private Christian school from the fourth grade through the seventh and instead of the kitten, we had a little dirty (filthy even) girl with a grumpy look on her face and a huge hair bow that said "God don't make no junk."

If you can look past the double negative in that phrase, you can find truth in it. If you believe in God and you believe that he created the heavens and the earth, then you believe that he created you.

I am a believer of that statement. So...my powers of deduction would lead me to believe that God made the earth, he made the trees, the rivers, the flowers, the sun (all of which have brought me a lifetime of enjoyment). Why would I believe that he fizzled out on me? Without really saying as much, I have treated myself that way my whole life.

In my last post Brendalyn commented: "I so admire the fact that you hold on to how you feel, rather than what a picture, or something else that isn't reality may or may not look like. I wish I was more like you in that I wish I could see a picture and think "well that isn't what I thought I looked like" but just go on. I'm sorry to say that it would derail me! I love that you know that you are a beautiful woman and a beautiful person!!"

First of all, Thank you Brendalyn for your kind words, but it does derail me. It hurts me with everything I have inside. It causes me to wallow and then doubt creeps in, I feel inadequate, and I look for comfort. In the past, I have found that comfort in food.

Recently, I realized that I, personally, do not have an eating disorder. I do not have a weight problem. Oh..I am clearly overweight, but ultimately, I have a math problem.

In my head... Christie = a BIG FAT ZERO. Which doesn't make a whole lot of sense if "God don't make no junk."

In short, (if that's possible at this point) if I feel great and that changes when I see myself in a photo, than that does not compute in a way that I will no longer tolerate. I wouldn't let someone else treat me like that, so it can not be acceptable to treat myself that way. It's not easy and I have to remind myself daily(kind of like the I love myself challenges that are going around). Realizing how easily my perspective changed when looking at the photo was the kicker. When it comes to people...I am the most important one in my life. Sound callous? It's not. If I can't be there for me, my kids and my husband are getting the short end of the stick, because I am not giving them the best me possible.

What I didn't tell you yesterday is that the picture and the dress launched a whole new challenge for me. I am calling it "Crunch Time" I started with 50 crunches and 50 side twists (each side) with a pilates ball for two days, then every other day...I add 10 more..so I am up to 60 today and tomorrow, I will be up to 70.

I will look as good in that dress as I feel in that dress.

Perception

You know what's really weird?

I thought I was smiling in this picture.
I clearly was not.

<----I bought this dress, because I like this dress. I loved it on the hanger. I loved it in the dressing room. Granted...it IS a little tight right under my bewbs, but I LOVED THIS DRESS and I wanted to have something that I LOVED TO WEAR. I came home...I put it on and my hubby said "Wow, you look really good in that dress." I asked him to take a picture of me in it, to show all of you. I thought, I was smiling. I clearly was not. I saw this picture and I definitely wasn't smiling then either. In the mirror...I don't look like Fanny Frumpelstein at least not when I look at myself. When I tried this dress on in the store and I looked in the mirror...I looked like the picture of femininity. I felt pretty. Hubby said I looked great! I think I look awful in this picture. Why did I think I was smiling? LOL! I may sound depressed, but I really am not, it's comical to me how I had an entirely different perception of how this was going to look and how it really did. It just reinforced to me how my inside is soo much different than my outside. How my perception of how the outside world should see me is so completely different from what I must be portraying.

A few years ago, an odd girl at work started a rumor about me. She told people that I was a devil worshipper. She said that she saw me under an overpass with some chicken feet and blood. This is clearly the most ridiculous rumor I have ever heard about anyone...let alone myself. I told myself not to even worry about it. People have to know that she is off her rocker. Could anyone really believe that I...little old me was a purveyor of the dark arts? Well, they did and if I look like this when I think I am smiling...I totally understand why...lol.

My point in all this is two-fold.

First of all...I don't care if I look like hell in this dress because in it...I feel on top of the world. Wearing this dress and having that feeling is a major component of this whole journey. Being healthy, being active, and being confident in myself. I refuse to let this picture take that away from me.

Secondly, when it comes to me...the only perception that matters is mine. Sure, I want my family and friends to think good things about me, but they know more than just this shell I live in, they know my heart. From here on out, I want my actions, the person I portray in public, to be based on me, not on some sense of who a normal person is...not some persona for your enjoyment. But me. Because I am wonderfully made.

And I want them to know that they are too!

Losses and Gains

It seems this weekend I lost more than an hour of sleep. I lost another .8 lbs. This brings my weight to 284.8. I am jonesin' for the 270's. They are within my reach, but I can't help but think I'd be closer to them if it weren't for my visitor and all the business she brings. It's a beautiful day in Missouri and I can't wait to get out in it! I only made it to the birthday party yesterday so I have double duty today. Haircuts, shopping, food prep Sunday....the list goes on.

More and more of my family seem to be taking strides in getting healthier! My aunt and her husband are on the South Beach diet, my sister has a trainer and seems to be following a food plan, and I think I gained a Six Flags challenge partner in my cousin. It was her son's birthday party, so we all got together at my aunt's house and she relayed some of the same experiences I had before I quit going. July 4th. I think I need to lose like 40lbs for it to be viable, but It's 4 months away and I believe it is do-able.

I also gained a .8 mile walk yesterday in my aunt's neighborhood while I successfully avoided the birthday cake. It's my first outdoor walk since September. The roadway seemed flat on the way in, so I thought it would be easy and I would maybe do it 2 or three times, but the path through the woods opened up to a hill, I hadn't quite expected, but powered through. Unfortunately, it left my attempts at doing it more than once a little cold, but I walked instead of eating cake, so I am calling it a victory.

It's 8: 50. I am eating my breakfast of peanut butter Sandwich Thins and Yogurt. My kids are up and in the bath. I am already dressed. Today is already so much different than yesterday and they will just keep getting better.

Off The Grid

Sorry, Folks! Haven't had much to say this week. I have been lurking on other blogs though, trying to keep up with what's going on with everyone in blogland, but not really commenting on very much.

The issue? I'm really not sure. Just kind of been in a funk since my last few serious posts and don't want to be a Debbie Downer. Not just because I want to have something positive to say, but because I don't want to wallow in it either.

I planned a whole morning with my kids this morning, up early, haircuts, shopping, birthday party...but it's 8:30 am. I am sitting at the computer with wet hair, eating my 250 calorie breakfast (bagel thin, cream cheese, and Cherry Cobbler Yoplait light), talking to all you nice folks. (my kids aren't even awake)

I have to admit my motivation is waning right now, but I am still on track. I just REALLY need to step up the workouts. The Komen is coming up and I really need to start bumping up the intensity of these workouts and pushing myself to do the three miles. My mind has really been testing my resolve this week. It's the whole inadequacy thing. I am going to be with a bunch of people who don't know me and are gonna be thinking that I can't do it and I AM SCARED TO DEATH that I will prove them right.

This needs to be the point that my determination, strength, and courage need to kick it into high gear, but....Anybody got some jumper cables?

Aunt Flo came for a surprise visit this morning, so that may be part of it too.

I am on the fence about tomorrow's weigh in my weight has really been fluctuating quite a bit the last few days. All in all I am expecting a lower number, even if it is only slightly lower!

100th Post Contest is CLOSED

Thanks to all who participated! The winner should contact me by email (cjmowry2196@msn.com) to claim your prize. Please provide a mailing address to send your loverly prizes and I will mail them to you right away! I numbered your comments 1- 21 being the 1st post and 21 being the last. I put them into the randomizer and it selected post #12. The winner is THE FAT MOM! YAY!!! APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE!

Thanks to all who participated!!!

It Really Made Me Think

Thanks so much for the out pouring of love and support with my last post. You guys are AWESOME. A lot of you really grabbed on to my "being overly sensitive". It seemed to have struck a nerve with some of you. It really made me think.

Darla said "Never apologize for being the real you. That's the you I like. I wish I could cuddle the little girl in you and make it all better. And I bet you're not "overly sensitive." That is usually a technique that people or bullies use to allow themselves to behave badly"

This really struck a chord with me. Especially since the bully in this scenario is me. I am the one who invalidates my feelings. I am the one who feels these things soo deeply and then I tell myself I have no right to feel them. I can't catch a break and I won't give myself one either. I am surrounded by loving and supportive people who aren't perfect (just like me). I can love them and appreciate them for who they are and give them a shoulder, a kind word, the shirt off my back....but I feel bad letting myself feel anything like anger or hurt. If I am hurt...I must've created the situation. How effed up is that?

On an up note...I ended up playing an hour of Just Dance 2 yesterday 30 minutes with my oldest and 30 minutes by myself (after she went to bed). I caught the hubby peeking through the crack between the frame and the door. He laughed and said that it looked like I was having a good time. I REALLY WAS. I have to admit....I was ALWAYS a real "In The Groove" fan (like Dance, Dance, Revolution, but with better music and graphics). Even at 308 lbs. I would take on the young kids at the arcade. I am actually fairly good at the lower to medium levels and even on some advanced songs, I can still hang . Just Dance is considerably different because it involves a total body workout which according to my fitbit is a fairly good workout!

Foodwise, I am on the right track. I really feel together. My history would predict that it means I am on the brink of losing sight of my goals and living in dietary "anything goes-land", but the difference today is that I am actually paying attention to my history and triggers. I am more determined than ever to achieve this goal for me.

Don't forget....Tomorrow..12:00pm Central is the deadline for posting your comments to my 100th post

Walking The Tightrope

My obesity is a mental disease. (MINE..I am owning this not casting dispersions to yours or some random person you know)

Shocking? Not to me. Everything I have ever done to get to my original 308lbs was done out of hurt, fear, and rebellion. Every last pound was owned by some "thing" that happened in my life. Some experience that forever changed my personality make-up, and damaged me psychologically and emotionally. Some way that I was deficient. I may not have ever been deficient. It was/has been just my perception of my deficiency. Like...why can't I do what they can do? Why can't I have what they have? Why can't people love and honor me the way other people love and honor Joe Schmo? I have never hidden that I am broken. I got too tired of trying to paint the picture and convince people that I was just fine not being able to do the things they were doing. I wasn't interested in your hiking, boating, camping excursion. Yes....I wanted to go. I always wanted to go, but I didn't want to hold anyone back because I would be the dead weight. Then everyone would talk about me (in my mind) or make exceptions/exemptions for me and I would feel inadequate.

Always with the inadequate.

I turned to food. Because potato chips and cottage cheese made me feel secure like it did when I sat and ate it with my grandma at her kitchen table. Because I just wanted someone to stand up for me at some point and not let random people treat me like shit. No one ever made me feel like I was worth fighting for, but when I would have a down moment in my life...I could sit down and put something in my mouth. Have you ever tried to cry while eating? Doesn't last. You will choke. It's comforting. It's calming. My life has NEVER been calm, so go figure that I would attach myself to something that is calming.

I have sooooo been trying to course correct. I have been working very hard. Even when I fail, falter, or cheat...I just haven't gotten strong enough to win in those moments, but I am getting there.

Why am I having my pity party on a day that I can report a loss? (Especially when I just recently told a friend that "pity parties suck because there are no guests and the hostess is a drag") Because my entire journey is a balancing act. I get a good couple of steps in and I am rockin' and rollin'. The Greatest American Hero theme song is blasting in my ears. (Dating myself again) "Believe it or not, I'm walkin on air, I never thought I could feel so free-e-eeee, flying away on a wing and a prayer. Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's just me"

It's just me? Me? Alone? Well, crap. When am I gonna fall? If it's just me...how am I gonna do it? (SOOO STUPID)

Today, it hit me in a string of conversation that was not intended as a jab at me, but because of another unfortunate outside and completely RANDOM comment, I felt like the butt of a private joke and that was not okay with me. But what's a girl to do? Lay down and die. Wait for someone to stand up for me. No. I addressed it, then felt stupid, because I was being overly sensitive.

I then turned to my "old faithful"....well...my NEW "old faithful", my recumbent bike. 30 minutes. Then the tears fell. Not because of the comments. I had worked through all of that already. They fell at the overwhelming thought of how fragile I really am.

People always say..."you are so strong" "Look at all that's happened and you made it through" "I am amazed at how much you can handle", but deep inside I am still that little girl who needs to know that she is loved and that no matter what happens...everything is going to be ok. Sometimes...I just need for someone to step in and say..."you know what? All that stuff you are carrying...seems a little heavy for you right now, let me help you." Sometimes...I just need to break down and that's what I did right after 30 minutes on the recumbent bike.

Sorry for the downer post...it's just on my heart right now.

Sunday, March 6, 2011 Weigh-in

Let's get right to it.

Weight: 285.6 That is a loss of 1.6 lbs this week. Exercise sucked all week, so I will take it and run with it.

It rained here yesterday which put the outdoor 5K with my nephew on hold, so we circuit trained for 1 hour 15 minutes yesterday. You can find our workout here. Not recommending it without checking with your doctor first, but it was a sweaty afternoon. We will have to reschedule the 5K. Perhaps next weekend. We'll see.

I am chugging along and enjoying being so close to my first weight loss goal of 280. The summer is coming quickly and so is the Komen and my Six Flags with the kids goal. Komen is like 60 some odd days away (frightening). I think I am going to try to strive for July 4th Weekend for the Six Flags thing. It's my birthday and what better gift to us all than a mommy who can do fun things. Plus...I think the last time I went was July 4th 1999. Like 12 years ago. I am ready to go back!

Applebee's Under 550 Menu

What ? Has Applebee's moved away from their affiliation with Weight Watchers? As it turns out, no. They have just added an under 550 calorie menu. Who woulda thunk it. I can't explain it, but I have a bias against Weight Watchers. I know it works for some people, but my biggest problem with diets is someone else setting the limitations and with the old point system and the new point system...who has time for it? Not me. Counting calories is enough to keep my head spinning.

The selection is actually really nice (although out 6 offered dishes 4 of them included shrimp and I am allergic) It would have been really nice to see a low calorie pasta dish w/o seafood on this menu.


For lunch, I had the Grilled Dijon Chicken and Portobellos. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was served with Broccoli (the menu states "Seasonal Vegetables) and Roasted Red Potatoes. It was very filling and delicious. I went with friends and two of us got the chicken and the other got a Juicy Cheeseburger and Fries. I did not feel at all like I was missing out. The entire meal came in at 450 calories. I would definitely eat this again, however, I would make some changes. Unless you really LOVE dijon, I personally think the dish would have been better without it. It wasn't bad with it, but it was kind of just lumped on top of the chicken and I ate most of my chicken without it and felt like when I did eat the dijon, I was doing so out of duty.

I enjoyed the Asiago Peppercorn steak! It was fantastic! I could go on and on about it. I RARELY eat beef anymore, but if I am going to make an exception on a low key evening out with family and friends....Where's the Beef? Applebee's...that's where. Served again with Broccoli and Roasted red Potatoes. This meal couldn't have gone wrong. Again it was filling and delicious and 390 calories with the sides.

Thank you Applebee's for offering a really great meal at a calorie level I don't have to feel ashamed of. While I still believe that it is best to eat at home because I know without a doubt what I am putting in my mouth. This was a refreshing opportunity that was fun with none of the guilt.

Applebee's full menu nutritional guide can be found here.

Onward and Downward

I can not believe the fantastic response to my 100th post! Got some new followers and some wonderful comments so far! If you haven't entered click here for your chance to win!


This week has been an excellent food week though I have to admit that at night I have been feeling really howngry (pronounced just that way)! My food issues have been out in full force this week. I have had to literally avoid Walgreens for fear that I will purchase Godiva Chocolate Caramel Gems and I have had to control my urge to eat out this week. I did have Subway, and I was good (320 cal sandwich), but I convinced myself to go there after I had decided that I was going to McD's (after last weeks debacle, I knew I couldn't face myself if I did). I think it was all the potentially dangerous food situations that I surrounded myself with this weekend and did fairly well that "devil me" was trying to pull a fast one.

YES! There is a devil me. You know...just like in the sitcoms. Angel Me hangs out in my brain and utilizes the power of my eyes, but for some reason only likes to really get involved when I am looking in the mirror or my pants are cutting off my circulation. Devil Me controls my mouth (in more ways than one, sometimes) and also controls my stomach. Devil Me is high tech and has installed a speaker in my ear that will send me a message via intercom that says "GODIVA" "McDonald's" "Whole Bag Of Chips" out of the blue random food messages. I am trying to become better friends with Angel Me and hopefully she will give me encouragement to stay on track all the time and not just when I don't like what I see or I'm not comfortable in my clothes.

Exercise has been ROTTEN this week. I have been short on time and patience for it. I should have ran, it has become my standby, but I was trying to mix it up. I purchased a "Dancing off the inches" Country Line Dance DVD. I thought that would be fun and fairly simple, right? Turns out no. Very easy to learn the steps, not so easy to match the speed and keep up. Felt very frustrated and inadequate and that combo is never good while exercising. I also purchased a Leslie Sansone video, but I couldn't bring myself to open it. I am sure she is a perfectly lovely lady, but my sarcastic side (the one that really doesn't want to exercise) could only say terrible things about her picture. (Like I have room to talk). I am doing my first shot at the 5K outside this weekend. Saturday morning, joined by my nephew...we will be doing 13 laps at the high school track, which is actually a little over 3.1 miles, but I am sure that we will pull through.

Anyone else having food struggles this week? What are you doing to combat them?

100th Post!

....FINALLY!!!!! Ok...here it is people! My 100th post. So much has happened, but the journey continues! This is your chance to walk away with my fabulous prize package!

Lisa Lillien's Hungry Girl Happy Hour Cookbook, a $25.00 gift card to Amazon.com, and $5.00 gift card to Subway.

Just become a public follower to my blog, and post a comment to THIS blogpost within one calendar week (By 03/09/2011 at noon Central Time Zone) Winner to be selected by randomizer.

Please feel free to share the link!

***date has been edited thanks, Katie J!

Delays....

I know. I'm late. Sorry guys! I have been sooo busy. Lots to tell, but first to get down to business...



Weigh in from Sunday 287.2. That is a .2lb loss. Not complaining though a loss is a loss is a loss and it definitely is not a gain! To be honest...it may not even be accurate. Late last week , my scale batteries went dead, then Saturday I participated in a fantastic Girl's Night Out (GNO)with my sister and BFF Amy. We went to Maggiano's Little Italy and did the Family Style Menu (why did I capitalize all that..lol, probably because of the importance of food in my life..duh) A ton of foods to try. I tried them and I know I went over my calories for the day, but I still controlled my portions. I rarely drink, but I did have a glass of wine with dinner. Then we took (GNO) to a hotel where we rented a suite and played some board games, drain some Clementine Svedka (NICE) and slept in. No hubby's snoring, no kids waking me up in the morning...just nice peaceful sleep.



Of course, the minute we checked out I had to run and get my kids and meet my fam at my grandparent's for my Grandpa's 75th birthday party. All of this lead up to no weigh in first thing in the morning. Grandpa's party was going to be full of bad food. Fried Chicken, Mashed Potatoes, Potato Salad, Corn with lots of butter. I did convince my mom to pick up a Rotisserie Chicken for me (thanks mom!) My sister, Snoozi (name changed to protect the guilty), who is also trying to be more heath conscious brought a Spring Mix salad and a fruit tray. All in all thanks to them, I did really well that day and even had the tiniest piece of German Chocolate Cake. Picked up batteries on the way home. Weighed in. So...287.2 until next week, anyway, right?



Monday night was my father in laws birthday party (I told you I was busy this weekend) we went to O'Charlies for dinner. I ordered off the 550 cal menu, but the extras got me...I'll call it a mini failure because I did decline the cake and the mini dessert that came with my meal. I finished today at 1023 calories...worked hard to stay on track today.



Oh and my fitbit broke. The display just stopped working. It was still uploading to my computer, but I couldn't see how I was doing all day. Best Buy exchanged it without issue, I can now continue to monitor my own every move ;)



This post seems soooo boring to me. Sorry guys...too much LIFE this week. I am not complaining, it was all good, all celebration, just boring stuff.



On to announcements...I have some great posts planned. I think I am going to start doing some feature type stuff on top of my regular check-ins. I have been kicking around introducing you all to some of the beautiful people in my life that get me from day to day. There will be a lot of good stuff coming up surrounding the Komen and my training!



This is post 99, the only thing stopping you from winning gift cards and a great book is the time space time continuum. See ya on the flip!