Wednesday, November 11, 2015


Today, I am officially 10 days post double hernia surgery.

Slow recovery, but I am recovering.  I am unable to stand for long periods of time and I tire very easily.  This is definitely not the enjoyable, lots of time for writing and enjoying myself, recovery I had planned.  This is I can't wipe my ass recovery. 

Nope.  That is the bare minimum of totally embarrassing, demeaning things my husband has had to do for me this week.  God love him.

On the upside, by pushing all my guts back in, and sewing my muscles back together and restraining their sheer force of weight back with a piece of mesh...there is not a whole lot of extra room in there.  I can barely hold a quarter cup of food for a whole day.  This is both good and bad I suppose.  I've already lost 5 lbs.

My surgeon is also a bariatric surgeon.  Which has got me thinking again.  Terrible, I know.

Make a decision and stick with it, lady!

I want to say that I still believe everything I have ever said on the subject, but I don't know if I do.  I have a follow up appointment with him tomorrow and with that I may just broach the subject again.

I'm 40, people.  Time is of the essence.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015


I can't believe that people are still reading this blog.

Facts are facts, I guess.

Well, lets catch you up on what has happened in my nearly three year absence.

I'm still fat.

Many of you aren't surprised.  Some of you believers...I got you.  I let you down.  I get it.

I got so tired of failing publicly and wanting this to be something it was never going to be, that I just gave up. I've tried at least 10 different incarnations. 

I was tired.

I stopped writing for me and started writing for whatever was going to bring in more followers.

Sorry 'bout that.

I stopped writing about Life Inside the Blubber Sarcophagus and started writing about Life Outside the Blubber Sarcophagus. 

Once, I even dreamt that my success story was featured on Oprah.  I guess that ship has sailed in a big way.  Guaranteed there is nothing in this life fit for Super Soul Sunday.  Nothing here that is ready to inspire you in a big way.  Not yet anyway.

I'm still tired, but for different reasons.

I'm tired because I am 40 years old now.
 I'm emotionally down. 
Real mid-life crisis crap.

I have a job.  A good job, with a company I love, but well, my job role us changing to something that makes me anxious and apprehensive. Along with that change, I feel like I am losing so much.  I'm losing a family that I feel like I worked hard to build.  People who really liked me for being the most honest me EVER.  The one who never pretended to be someone else to fit in, the one who accepted everyone as they were and didn't ask anyone to pretend to be someone they weren't.

There are even deeper personal things that I am losing.  I'm losing time away from my family.  My commute to work will go from 1 hour to 2 hours because of the start time in my new position.  This means that my 1 hour and 15 minute commute will go to nearly 2 hours.

It's not the worst thing.  I still have a job.

So why does it feel like the most soul crushing thing ever?

Sunday, December 30, 2012

New Blog

Just my new general writing venture...if you are interested.  True, Factual Fiction.  Stop on by!  I would love to have you!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Monday, Monday

I haven't been around much lately.

I haven't been writing here, I haven't been reading here, I haven't been here at all.

It's not because I went off the rails, quit trying, and gained a bunch of weight.  It's because the impact of writing this blog affected an area of my life that is important to me: My Writing.

The responsibility of trying to be here and straight up writing about losing weight, writing about trying to get healthy stole my writing joy.  I didn't write for a all.

It's back's like an addiction.  A need for me to put pen to paper and express how I feel, or just feelings in general, bubbles right underneath the surface, I have to feed that need.  It's a healthy addiction.

I have considered that maybe the strong focus on losing weight sometimes makes me dislike myself. 

Maybe I can't see the forest for the trees due to my laser focus on one particular area of my life.

We all know that you can workout and eat right and do everything right and one day you will reach your goal...but will it fix what got you here in the first place?  I don't believe that everyone has a deep seeded reason they gained weight, but I believe I do.  I believe this because the same struggles I fight with losing weight are the same struggles I have in not reaching ANY goal I set.

I am still here.  I am still fighting.  I am still writing both here and around.  I am not sure right now if my two writing worlds have a relationship they plan to take public.  I am not going anywhere.  This is still a priority to me.  It just can't be THE priority.  It has a place and an implementation, but it has definitely carried unnecessary focus since I lost my job.  The phrase that pays should be "Healthy Body, Healthy Mind." 

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Fitbit vs. Slimcoach: A Winner

When it all comes right down to it, Fitbit is victorious.  When it comes down to a's because of convenience.

Slimcoach is just a hassle.  It has been knocked off of me getting in and out of the car, walking with my kids,  and getting out of a movie seat.  I have had to make numerous calls to stores, restaurants, and movie theaters to search for it.  I have sent many a child to the wall for repeatedly pushing the button to make the light come on, therefore my children, nieces, and nephews HATE it.  :)

Besides that...fitbit is conveniently worn while I am sleeping.  I never forget to put it on.  Slimcoach is too clunky to sleep in and if I tried, it would fall off in bed.  With a busy schedule it gets left behind all the time and this skews its reporting. I am increasing my steps daily, but my inability to remember to put the darn thing on forces slimcoach to give me a reading indicating that I am a waddling penguin with an inactive lifestyle (actual graphic).

Fitbit only needs to be charged like every 6 or 7 days.  If need be, I can charge it during one night of sleep and since I wear it on my shirt or bra...I can easily remember to put it on.  I have also gotten into the habit of putting it on the charger while I shower, eliminating the need for it to be charging for an extensive period of time.

I have also noticed a difference in step tracking between the two devices.  Slimcoach always ends up reporting a significant increase in the number of my steps compared to fitbit.  Sometimes as many as 1,500 to 2,000.  I have no way to know with which device the issue of accuracy lies, but knowing what I know about myself and the fact that I want to get healthy, I am going to err on the side of caution and go with the lower number. 

The Slimcoach website is only free for the first year. Fitbit is free whether you have the device or not. The user interface online for Slimcoach has a lot of really nice features, but the clunkiness and inconvenience of the device itself, outweighs the good.

In the end, fitbit is more user friendly, convenient, the website is free.  Losing weight is hard need to complicate it.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

An Open Letter To Davy Jones

Dear Davy,

When I was 12 and totally in love with you, I began many, many letters with those two words.  Of course, my undying devotion to you continued despite our 30 year age difference. The fact that you were 42 when I was a pre-teen was not an insurmountable feat for true love.  You were gorgeous and I was adept at making friendship bracelets, surely you would have felt the same if you had met me.  After all, there would be absolutely nothing pedophilic about the way that you would feel when you saw me in my knee length, navy blue culottes and yellow sweat shirt.

My friend Rachel and I bonded over our love for The Monkees.  She was in love with Peter and I was completely devoted to you.  Somewhere there are cassette tapes of our conversations recorded on a chunky Strawberry Shortcake player, conversations where she gently reminded me that you were married to Anita (at the time) and I eerily joked about her not being able to live forever.  (Not a sociopath, I promise).

The truth is that I was a scared little girl, living a sometimes torturous life, seeing you smile a boyish grin and pretending that it was for me despite the fact it had been recorded a mere 20 years before I was seeing it, gave me hope.  It also opened me up to a world of feelings that I never had or understood before.  Through crushing on you, I listened to and loved every Monkees song.  Really listened to them lyrically. (consider the lyrics to Carlisle Wheeling). 

Local St. Louis Channel 11 (KPLR) showed The Monkees after school and my summer filled with reruns on Nickelodeon giving me many chances to see your face and smile.  After all...I had seen English men before and by those standards you were apparently cream of the crop (Sorry Rowan Atkinson).  I watched every episode.  I've seen the movie Head (24 years later I still don't understand it).  One more episodes.  You were gone.  I mean, this was pre-internet, so you were GONE.  Sure, I caught you on an episode or two of My Two Dads, which led me to a short lived crush on Greg Evigan that is so completely embarrassing at this point I probably shouldn't even mention it.

I owe to you thanks for my love for the written word, my love for all genres of music, my completely developed, full-on corny sense of humor.  All of these things were sparked by a talented English lad thirty years my senior who will never know that I existed.  Perhaps it's better that way, you can remain perfect in my eyes forever.  Rest in Peace, David Thomas Jones.

Friday, February 24, 2012


Nothing hurts me like the feeling of disappointment.

Is that weird?

I try to control it, but it stinks.  It's embarassing for me at 36 years old to admit that, but I'm trying to keep it real.

For example, when we went to Chicago this past summer for vacation (the first vacation we had gone on since Autumn was two and I was pregnant with Erica) you may remember that my hubby's friend committed suicide.  We found out literally 10 miles outside the city on our way in.  Hubby was upset and torn about whether he should go back home.  I felt trapped.  I felt like I couldn't say anything because he needed me to be there for him, I was super pissed at the friend, and more than anything the hot tears I felt on my face that day were mostly for the fact that I actually let myself get excited about something and fell apart.  Par for the course.  I was disappointed.

I am a prime example of someone who "suffers" from disappointment. 

People, when given the opportunity, will let you down.  I don't mean to sound all melodramatic about it or anything, but I truly believe it.  If you ask the handful of people that I feel I can depend on to come through for me, they will mostly tell you that among them are people who don't deserve to be there, but have earned a place anyway due to my notoriously low expectations of others.

They will tell you that (with exceptions), I am a way better friend to others than others are to me. 

I guess I am thinking a lot about it today because I am starting to realize that I am lonely.    Most of the time, despite people being around...I feel alone. 

Taking all this a step further, I wonder if this is why I find it so hard to motivate myself, sometimes.  Am I trying to stave off possible disappointment in myself?  Is this abnormal?

What do you think?

Today's Spark: No disappointing me!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The Next 4lbs...

...are gonna be crazy.

First of all, I want to make it clear that I do not deserve a 5.8lb loss this week.  The only food choices I made this week was what color Powerade Zero to drink.  The only work out...coughing and sleeping.  I wore my fitbit religiously throughout my illness and if I remember correctly through the haze one day it only registered 283 steps. 

Yes.  I was THAT inactive.

I know that I didn't work for these pounds, but they are mine nonetheless.  The only thing is that it is very likely that I would gain it all back, but I am going to do my darnedest to hang onto what is lost.  I need 4 more lbs to hit my 20 lb mark.  That being 20 lbs since 01/03/2012. 

If I don't start losing in bigger numbers...I am going to give my weight loss competition away (which is fine) all of my ladies that are still hanging in are doing a bang up job.  There are eight official contestants who have lost a combined total of 102.4 lbs since January 3rd.  Even my daughter who is an unofficial contestant (who's goal is only to make good choices and NOT lose weight) has lost six lbs.  Six pounds on a 7 year old is a big deal.  She is really a lot more conscious of what she eats.  I am so proud of her for being so willing. and having the resolve to really learn to eat the right things.  (It probably doesn't hurt that she has the possibility of getting some moolah for continuing to make good decision until the end of the competition...thanks Grandma!)

Anybody watching the Biggest Loser this season? (minor spoiler alert) Just curious.  I had started a recap blog , but the attitudes of the people this season are just soo bad.  People have voluntarily left.  People have been targeted.  It's just like watching an episode of work. (you know back when I had a job)  What a squanderous waste!  They should be ashamed.  Last night a whole entire team threw a weigh in...can you believe it?  They purposely sabotaged themselves to get back at someone else.  Everything is just so negative that I have actually gone as far to say that I am truly thankful that I was not selected.  I don't think it would have been an environment that would have been conducive to me learning and changing anything in my own life. 

On a personal note, still no job.  Working hard at looking, though.  Anybody looking to hire a hard working, pleasantly quirky, and positive employee drop me a line.  Oh...I have skillz too.  Mad skillz.

Today's Spark:  I NEED THOSE 4 pounds!

Monday, February 20, 2012

Some Things In Life Just Aren't Fair

I think that any reasonable adult knows this to be true.  I think most unreasonable adults know this to be true, but refuse to accept the status quo.

I am not sure which of the two categories I fit into at this point.  I have been away for a bit, but I just want you to know that while I was upset by the news that I did not get the did not make me go cray-cray and forget all the things that I know and want to change about being an obese woman. 

In gave me new resolve.

I have been MIA, but I am happy to say that it is not because I have fallen off plan or because I am embarrassed by my actions over the last 10 days or is strictly because I have been ill.

Saying that I have been ill is like saying being covered by a thousand mosquito bites "itch". 

This adventure into affliction and convalescence has not been one for the weak of heart. It started off as a persistent cough found in my seven year old.  Persistent enough that there was no way to avoid an appointment with the doctor, despite not having insurance.

 On my way to the appointment,  I already knew from the general achiness in my bones that it had my name and it was coming for me.  I tried to blow it off...Be tough for the kids, but as the doctor was confirming a diagnosis of Influenza A and Pneumonia in my eldest, fever was already radiating from my collar.

The next seven days were a blur.  Hours of  sleeping.  At some point not being sure of what day it was.  Vague memories of telling my four year old to eat bananas and passing out while staving off a 104 degree temperature in my was all very "Little Women".

I can only confirm that the banana thing must be true because when the haze cleared, half eaten bananas could be found on every available surface throughout my home.

I wondered why no one bothered to clean any of it up and then I remembered that I am married  ;).

I believe that I am on the mend, but there is no telling with this

My weigh in is tomorrow.  Thanks to the promises to be fantastic. 

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Slimcoach Pros and Cons

I have been away...dealing.  Life is kinda crazy right now.  I finally got the letter and as a result...I am still looking for a job.  I wanted to cry, but there is no sympathy here. (at home)

Must move on.

I don't want to write about my feelings today, so I am going to give you my thoughts on my first week or so with the slimcoach.

Slimcoach Pros:

When you start off using it, in the computer set-up process it asks you what your weight loss goals are, then it asks you how quickly you want to achieve them.  In doing so, it creates both a meal plan and a activity plan for you.  It starts you off slowly and then builds so that you are truly building up to a higher activity level slowly.  The meal plans are nice.  Where the Fitbit lets you log your food.  This actually gives you what you should eat.  Don't like the selected meal?  Hit the swap button and it populates a list of acceptable swaps.  Don't know how to make the suggested meal?  The recipe is just a click away.  When you click the button the circle on the outside of the device changes from red to green as you reach your fitness goal for the day, click it again and it will show you where you are with the calorie, energy, and heart goal that it sets for you.  I purchased the heart monitor, so it really keeps track of my heart rate, so I know I am getting proper credit for how hard I am actually working out.  There is also an online community.

Slimcoach Cons:
The online community is super clunky.  I don't use the one on, but I have in the past and it is super user friendly.  This one is not.  Not in anyway.  If I was looking for support from an online community and I was using this device.  I would look somewhere else.  The device itself is awkward, I find that clipping on my pocket or waistband as suggested does not work.  I hit it on cabinets, it gets caught on doorways as I walk through.  It has hit the floor more times than I can count and the surface of it is already scratched up.  The activity plan that it sets at first is almost too easy.  I find myself doubling the required calorie burn watching tv and never leaving my house.  I have it on the "challenge me" option, I do not feel challenged.  As a matter of fact, I have found myself giving myself liberties with it because it expects so little of me at this point.  The meal plans are nice, but I find that it is difficult to find a lot of the ingredients at your local Wal-Mart.  Whole Foods is the nearest store to me that carries a lot of these items and it's an hour and a half away, so I end up swapping everything out because it not accessible for me.  I haven't even figured out how to log food that is not pre-suggested because the website is not simple to use, nor does it have instructions or even a place that is easy to find the answers you need.  I find the entire site stylized with little accessibility, and short on substance.

This is my "surface" opinion and I vow to continue using both for awhile and keeping you updated. 

Have an opinion on the Slimcoach?  Let me know.  Questions or thoughts, leave them in the comments and I will answer them as best I can.

Today's spark:  Be the best me I can be for me.